Honestly, it feels rewarding to say out loud “I AM SCARED” or “I AM NOT DOING MY BEST TODAY” because then it’s easier to start moving toward other things. So for me to sometimes say to friends, “This is rough and I don’t know what our future looks like and that scares me” and then to finally be able to write it down in to a flurry of words (last post), that did and does help.
Taylor’s been gone for.. 16 days so far on this run. This has also been one of the busiest work months of my life so that makes it easier and harder, in different ways. Easier because I am go go go and it makes it hard to miss him to the extent that I know is possible if I were just sitting around. Harder because I have to try to balance Harper and work by myself and call in a lot of favors from family and friends.
We haven’t come to a day since he quit his job where I have thought, “This was a mistake”, and that’s a really important thing for me to realize. Some days when Harper is being extra sassy or not listening, I shut down and get a little angry that he’s gone. But, I think that’s normal and par for the course. After a particularly grueling work weekend and a particularly bad day of Harper using the word NO a lot, I asked her why she was talking to me like that. “Because Dada’s not here.” I wanted to scream and to cry but I think I just curled in to a defeated ball.
But, most days are happier and don’t involve a weird guilt trip from my 3 1/2 year old. Harper is mostly hilarious and always my best friend and can tell when I need an extra hug. We celebrated Halloween a lot this year, going trick or treating at school, going trick or treating at a friend’s school, and going out last night. I’m glad that we have each other and I’m glad that Taylor comes home to us in 6 days.